


A Hobbit's Text-Log, by Bilbo Peer-Pressured-Into-Correct-Grammar Baggins

by AdvancedApologies



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, DURINS HAVE A DRUNK TRADITION THAT RESULTS IN SHITTY CONTACT NAMES, M/M, Multi, Wrong Number AU, bilbo goes from ??? to !!! in three seconds flat, bilbo is a teacher who doesnt want to text right but does except when hes upset, boy howdy this is dumb, fili and kili are lil shits, im already regretting posting this tbh, prim and dis are terrifying, prim is pregnant and bilbo is not ready for this, put them all together and thorin suffers, seriously this is so dumb, tags to be added as i think of them, there will be no angst here even tho i want there to be, this is nonsense that helps me relieve stress, thorin is a dork who texts using correct grammar pass it on, who knows what tech theyre using bc i certainly dont
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-08 17:56:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7767583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdvancedApologies/pseuds/AdvancedApologies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo, a summary--</p><p>To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:24 AM)<br/>your not prim</p><p>To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:24 AM)<br/>fuck</p><p>To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:24 AM)<br/>i mean frick</p><p>To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:24 AM)<br/>pls dont be a child</p><p>Thorin, a summary--</p><p>To: Drunk Teacher (4:08 PM)<br/>I was wondering if I could ask you your name? I would respond in kind, of course.</p><p>DELETE MESSAGE?<br/>    {YES} {NO}<br/>MESSAGE DELETED</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bilbo Would be Embarrassed but his Headache is Much Too Big

_Bilbo is in italics._

**Thorin is in bold.**

Fili (and Kili) are underlined. 

_ Dis is in italics and underlined.  _

**_Dwalin is in italics and bold._ **

**_ Balin is in italics, bold, and underlined.  _ **

*Prim is in in asterisks.*

[Bofur is in brackets.]

The rest of the cast is normal.

 

Contact names will depend on whose phone the "POV" is from. For the most part, they're pretty easy to figure out. Actual POV writing will differ depending on who I want to interpret actual events; so normal for a story.

If any of this gets too confusing, or you have any questions, let me know! 

My tumblr is [here](http://advanced-apologies.tumblr.com). 

* * *

 

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:21 AM)_

_i hate you so much_

 

**From: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:23 AM)**

**May I ask what I have done to deserve your ire?**

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:24 AM)_

_dont even try prim this is all your fault_

 

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:24 AM)_

_your not prim_

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:24 AM)_

_fuck_

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:24 AM)_

_i mean frick_

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:24 AM)_

_pls dont be a child_

 

**From: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:25 AM)**

**I am curious, what children have you been around that use the word ’ire’?**

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:28 AM)_

_your use of may was more surprising tbh_

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:29 AM)_

_sorry for going at you like that. i just texted my cousin’s number from memory and mustve mistyped_

**From: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:30 AM)**

**It is no trouble. Are you alright? Do you need help contacting someone?**

 

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:31 AM)_

_im hungover not invalid!_

 

**From: UNKOWN NUMBER (7:32 AM)**

**I did not mean to imply so. My apologies.**

**From: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:32 AM)**

**Also, if it is not too personal, why are you hungover on a Monday morning?**

 

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:32 AM)_

_what do you mean monday its sunday_

 

**From UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:33 AM)**

**I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it is most definitely Monday.**

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:33 AM)_

_…_

_To: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:33 AM)_

_mothe rfu ck_

 

**From: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:34 AM)**

**I hope you are not late to whatever it is you do.**

**From: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:42 AM)**

**Not that it is any of my business.**

**From: UNKNOWN NUMBER (7:59 AM)**

**You do not have to respond to any of these messages.**

**From: UNKNOWN NUMBER (8:03 AM)**

**That is not to say you are unwelcome to do so. Feel free to contact me at your disclosure.**

**From: UNKNOWN NUMBER (8:08 AM)**

**Goodbye.**

* * *

_To: Dorky Stranger (12:36 PM)_

_I’m a second grade teacher whose school starts at 8:30. I made it only five minutes late even if I broke a few traffic laws in the process. I was hungover because my cousin Primula got married to my blood-cousin Drogo Saturday and my family is absolutely insane and there’s a reason moonshine is illegal. So um. There you go. Sorry again to be a bother._

* * *

 

**From: Dorky Stranger (1:43 PM)**

**You are a brave soul to teach such young children. I have two nephews, ages eleven and thirteen, and they are often enough to nearly drive me insane. Your family sounds like they would get along splendidly with mine. I am personally convinced they are only sober so that they can enjoy the sensation of getting drunk once more. Your apologies are unnecessary. Speaking to you is quite entertaining.**

_To: Dorky Stranger (1:48 PM)_

_Someone in admin thought it was a fantastic idea to have a fire drill 15min after recess. I’m never drinking again. Why is the alarm so damn loud?_

 

**From: Dorky Stranger (1:49 PM)**

**You are texting during a fire drill? If I were a parent, I would be appalled.**

**From: Dorky Stranger (1:49 PM)**

**And I would imagine it is loud in order to capture the attention of those under the age of twenty.**

 

_To: Dorky Stranger (1:51 PM)_

_Good thing you’re just the fun uncle huh?_

_Smartass._

 

**From: Dorky Stranger (1:52 PM)**

**Indeed. Although, I am not quite as fun as the boys would like.**

 

_To: Dorky Stranger (1:53 PM)_

_I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m the ‘nice’ teacher and even I end up yelling at these hellions sometimes. Like now, for example. I must go, my students need me (to reprimand their loud, disruptive asses)._

 

**From: Dorky Stranger (1:55 PM)**

**For some reason, I find your language oddly colorful for a primary school teacher. I do hope you are not corrupting the youth.**

 

_To: Dorky Stranger (1:55 PM)_

_fuck you i have excelent manners theyre the ones wh o r currotp_

**From: Dorky Stranger (1:57 PM)**

**I see multitasking is not your strong suit.**

_To: Rufe Dork (1:59 PM)_

_fuck yop again_

 

**From: Rufe Dork (2:00 PM)**

***you**

 

_To RUDE Dork (2:01 PM)_

_i hope ur nephews drive u insane 2day_

* * *

From: One Phone Two Headaches (3:47 PM)

mom said u were txting some1 earlier & not some1 in the fam o.O

 

**To: One Phone Two Headaches (3:48 PM)**

**Kili, give your brother his phone back. You will get your own when you turn thirteen.**

 

From: One Phone Two Headaches (3:48 PM)

You didnt answer the nuisance’s question, Uncle.

From: One Phone Two Headaches (3:48 PM)

im not a ‘“nuisance”’ tell em unlcle >:0

 

**To: One Phone Two Headaches (3:49 PM)**

**Fili-- I am working. I will be home in a few hours.**

**Kili-- Please utilize the brain we all know you possess and learn to type.**

 

From: One Phone Two Headaches (3:50 PM)

Still havent answered the question~~

rude!!1! :0

* * *

**To: Drunk Teacher (3:53 PM)**

**You will have to forgive me, but I blame you entirely for my nephews being a pain.**

 

_From: Drunk Teacher (3:58 PM)_

_Good to know that I have my family’s ability to place magical curses on rude people_

 

**To: Drunk Teacher (3:59 PM)**

**Due to your lack of spelling and grammatical errors, I am going to assume that class is no longer in session.**

 

_From: Drunk Teacher (4:00 PM)_

_You assume correctly. And now I can pour every ounce of my educator’s intellect and training into adequately expressing my emotions._

**To: Drunk Teacher (4:00 PM)**

**I am going to assume that your sentiment is most closely translated to “fuck you” in colloquial terms. Am I wrong?**

 

_From: Drunk Teacher (4:01 PM)_

_Yes, actually. I’m much more polite than that. *Fuck you kindly. >:D_

_From: Drunk Teacher (4:01 PM)_

_And since I teach young children I’m allowed to use those faces_

 

**To: Drunk Teacher (4:01 PM)**

**I was unaware of this fact. Is it universal? Are there limits? Special guidelines to be followed?**

 

_From: Drunk Teacher (4:02 PM)_

_I can use them as I see fit and no limitations outside my own imagination. It’s written in my contract. Anyway, I have to go._

 

**To: Drunk Teacher (4:02 PM)**

**Of course. Once more, feel free to text me whenever you see fit.**

* * *

  **To: Drunk Teacher (4:08 PM)**

**I was wondering if I could ask you your name? I would respond in kind, of course.**

**DELETE MESSAGE?**

**{YES} {NO}**

**MESSAGE DELETED**

* * *

_ From: Sister Dearest (4:16 PM) _

_ My sons are certainly invested in your mysterious contact.  _

 

**To: Sister Dearest (4:21 PM)**

**And whose fault is that?**

__

_ From: Sister Dearest (4:22 PM) _

_ Desperate times call for desperate measures, Brother-mine. _

__

_ From: Sister Dearest (4:22 PM) _

_ It wouldn’t have come to this if you’d simply told me who you were texting. You were smiling at your phone. Smiling. At your phone. An inanimate object unrelated to my fool sons. I didn’t think it possible.  _

**To: Sister Dearest (4:24 PM)**

**Is it so unbelievable that I would have a friend outside of family or business?**

 

_ From: Sister Dearest (4:25 PM) _

_ Yes.  _

 

From: One Phone Two Headaches (4:25 PM)

Yes!!^2 XD

 

**_From: Never Trust a Mohawk (4:25 PM)_ **

**_did you really ask that oh my god yes its unbelievable youre an emotionless prick to ’outsiders’_ **

 

**_ From: Snow Balin (4:25 PM) _ **

**_ I’ve known you for all of your life, and I can honestly say that I’m almost in shock.  _ **

 

**To: Sister Dearest, One Phone Two Headaches, Never Trust a Mohawk, Snow Balin (4:27 PM)**

**All of you are overreacting. And fired. Or disowned. Whichever is most effective.**

**To: Sister Dearest, One Phone Two Headaches, Never Trust a Mohawk, Snow Balin (4:27 PM)**

**And stop conspiring against me!**

* * *

 

*INCOMING FACETIME CALL: evil shedevil (4:30 PM)

 

ACCEPT INCOMING FACETIME CALL?

    {YES} {NO}

  FACETIME ACCEPTED*

* * *

Blibo glared at Prim through his phone’s screen. She just couldn’t seem to find the strength to stop laughing. It was beyond rude, especially since she was the reason that he had gotten into this mess. _Pity the wedding took place already_ , he groused internally. _Then I could just threaten to take back her present._

“How old _are_ you?” she gasped through her giggles. “I can’t believe you used the evil smiley! You’re a grown man!”

 “Yes, yes, laugh it up.”

 “Does this qualify as flirting? Because I think it does.”

 “No! No, it most certainly does not! He could be eighty, or a criminal, or, or, who knows what else!”

 Prim wriggled her eyebrows, still grinning wickedly. “An eighty year-old criminal, yes, but an eighty year-old criminal who’s just looking for some _companionship_.”

 “You are shameless. Where is your husband? Drogo!” he called, hoping his cousin was within earshot. “Control your wife!”

 “Come on, Bilbo. Where’s your sense of adventure? I met Drogo in a questionable club, and look at us! This could be your _soul mate_.”

 “You don’t believe in soul mates.”

 “No, but you do. And you’re the one who needs convincing.”

 Bilbo sighed. His mother had been a firm believer that somewhere, there was someone who fit you perfectly. That they were made for you, to make up for your failings and to enhance your strengths. Bilbo himself didn’t believe that quite so fastidiously; he thought there may be more than one fit and none of them one-hundred-percent perfect. Still, Prim was right. At heart he was certainly a romantic. At least the stranger was entertaining, even if he did text in complete sentences with no contractions, which was weird and had the unfortunate side effect of making Bilbo feel as though he needed to respond similarly.

 “I’ll keep texting him. But-”

 “Yes!”

 “ _But_ , I’m not going to give him personal information.”

 “Spoilsport.”

 “How have you made it into your twenties? Have you ever even heard of internet safety?”

 “Yes, and it’s overrated.”

 Bilbo set the phone down, ignoring Prim’s squawk of indignation, and took his glasses off to massage his temples. He didn’t like to wear them, but he had been in too much of a rush this morning to put in his contacts. That, combined with a lingering hangover and Prim’s… everything, was making his head throb. He groaned, thunking his aching head onto the cool wood of his desk.

 “What the fuck did Gamgee put in that stuff?”

 “Ah. About that.”

 Prim’s voice was suddenly hesitant and guilty enough to make Bilbo raise his head and glare suspiciously at her blurry, pixilated face. “Prim,” he said sweetly, and she winced. “Elaborate.”

 “I thought you would remember!”

 “Bullshit.”

 “Look, Bilbo, dearest cousin and friend, I may or may not… have… um…”

 “Prim, just spit it out. I have quarter assessments to grade, and I can’t head home until they're done. And I really, really want to get home.”

 “Just know that I panicked, okay? And then you panicked when I called you, and Drogo was panicking in the other room, and we all pulled out booze and, um, Lobeilia called earlier and said Otho was hungover _again_ so I guess someone called him too? And-”

 “That’s nice. Really it is. But _why_ were we all panicking?”

* * *

_To: RUDE Dork (5:21 PM)_

_figured how i ended up hungover on a mon from drinking on a sat_

 

**From: RUDE Dork (5:23 PM)**

**Oh, and how was that? Are you trying to multitask again?**

 

_To: RUDE Dork (5:24 PM)_

_sat was my cousins wedding. prim. and she called sunday night panicking because ‘somehow’ she ended up pregnant_

 

**From: RUDE Dork (5:28 PM)**

**I honestly have no idea how to respond to that.**

**From: RUDE Dork (5:29 PM)**

**If you do not mind, how old is she?**

 

_To RUDE Dork (5:30 PM)_

_22!!! dhes fuckin 22 years old and just married and shes already pregnant!! and theres nothing wrong w/ that outside the fact that shes persnally nowhere near ready for that kinda rresponsibility and neither is drogo & theyre both freaking out and dragged me and my other cousin otho into it and everyone ended up drunk! EVERYONE! INCLUDING THE PREGNANT WOMAN WHO SHOULDNT DRNK!!!_

 

**From: RUDE Dork (5:33 PM)**

**My sister was only nineteen when she had my eldest nephew. It was very difficult for her and our family, but we all helped the best that we could. From personal experience, the best thing you can do is offer what ever support you are able.**

 

_To: RUDE Dork (5:41 PM)_

_of course. i didnt mean to come off so angry. its just that ive always been close to her and shes younger than me and like my baby sister. and the problem is that i DONT know how to help her_

****

**From: RUDE Dork (5:43 PM)**

**That is understandable. If you would like, I could give you my sister’s number. You could ask her what she found most helpful, or pass it along to Primula if she needs advice only someone who has been in a similar predicament can give.**

 

_To: ??? Dork (5:45 PM)_

_Oh. Um. Yes please? If you wouldnt mind? If SHE wouldnt mind? Id hate to be a bother but i really am at a loss_

 

**From: ??? Dork (5:47 PM)**

**It really is no bother. I will contact her shortly and ask her opinion.**

 

_To: ??? Dork (5:49 PM)_

_well. thank you very much._

**From: ??? Dork (5:49 PM)**

**You are welcome.**

 

 


	2. Someone Help Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there’s going to be a lot more world building than I originally planned uhoh this might turn into a long, long monster. Enjoy 770 words of actual story that prefaces the lighthearted texting you came here for
> 
> ALSO- Prim gives zero fucks and her contact name for Bilbo contains the f-slur affectionately because she’s a little shit and knows it pisses him off because he’s bi (im so sorry its unnecessary af but I couldn’t help it)

My tumblr is [here](advanced-apologies.tumblr.com).

* * *

 

When Dis checked on her sons a mere hour after she’d put them in separate beds, she was not surprised to find Kili curled into his brother’s side. It was a habit that would have to be broken eventually, but since Fili didn’t seem to mind she saw no point in discouraging it for now.

“The gremlins asleep?” Dwalin asked, his natural gruffness belied by the _#1 Uncle_ mug he was sipping out of. It had been an art project of Kili’s a few years ago, despite the fact that neither brother referred to the man as Uncle. Apparently _World’s Most Awesomest Body Guard Friend Bald Man_ was too long.

“One of these days,” she sighed, slipping into the kitchen chair across from him, “Fili’s hands are going to get stuck in Kili’s hair. And there will be tears.”

“I know he likes it long, but you could always cut it. You’d hardly be the first mother to force an unwanted haircut.”

“No, it’s not worth it. They’re enough of a handful when they’re on my side, I don’t need Kili mad at me and Fili trying to avenge his honor.”

Dwalin snorted into his— Tea? Coffee? Knowing him like she did, Dis was tempted to think it was some form of alcohol, disguised by the criminally sweet container— and made a sound of vague agreement. It was strange, having her brother’s physically terrifying best friend live with them, but it was also a familiar arrangement.

Through no fault of his own, Dwalin had a habit of doing his job _too well_ , scaring away his employer’s friends as well as enemies. He was one of the best bodyguards around, but unless there was an immediate threat most rich douchebags (his words) didn’t find his menacing scowl all that useful.

It stood to reason that they’d never seen him cradling a sleeping child in the crook of each of his massive arms, a shoddily-built flower crown settled precariously on his head.

(That particular image was one of the few to survive Dwalin’s post-Mohawk purge, as no one could quite stand to destroy such a sweet image of him smiling down at Fili and Kili’s unconscious forms.)

“Any sign of Thorin?” Dwalin asked, putting an end to Dis’ reminiscing.

“He’s in his room, stewing about something he needs to ask someone.”

“Any idea who? Or what?”

“Since he isn’t here brooding over hot chocolate and glaring at us, I think it’s probably someone in the house. No clue what for, though.”

“In that case it can’t be Balin. He goes to bed before midnight, and I’m guessing Thorin isn’t even close to being done sulking?”

Balin was Dwalin’s older brother, who had interned under Dis’ grandfather, worked under her father, and advised her brother. He was retired, now, more because he was tired of the business politics that ruled their family than any real necessity. He spent most of his free time volunteering at the public library, and lived with the Durins because, regardless of his attitude, Thorin was immeasurably grateful for the man’s counsel. 

Dis nodded, acknowledging the point. It may only be a few minutes past ten, but Thorin had an unusual talent for stewing over a trivial issue for days and a life-changing one for mere seconds. She was pretty good at guessing the severity of whatever was bothering him (she was the best sister _ever_ ) and, unless she was way off, this was one of the instances that her beloved meathead of a brother was blowing everything out of proportion.

 “It could be Balin if it’s something to do with the company, and not time sensitive. He could be just getting started.”

Dwalin groaned.  

“You both know how rude it is,” Thorin grumbled from behind Dis, “to speak about someone behind their back?”

“Do you know how rude you are, period?”

“That was a quick brooding session.” Dis said, before the two boys could get into their usual rhythm of I-can’t-admit-I-like-you-so-I’m-going-to-insult-the-hell-out-of-you. It was something she’d thought she’d left in high school, but both Dwalin and Thorin were just _so goddamn immature._

“It may be… more prudent to settle the matter quickly.”

“Why?” Dwalin asked, cheerfully sticking his nose where it didn’t belong.

“Dis,” Thorin began, ignoring his best friend’s muttered _rude_. “Are you comfortable with me giving out your number to the relative of a young, pregnant woman as well as, possibly, the woman herself?”

She opened her mouth to respond, but closed it again when her mind remained blank.

Dwalin summed up that blankness quite well with a heartfelt, “Thorin, _what the actual fuck?_ ”

 

* * *

 

_ To: who the fuck even (8:00 AM) _

_ Hello, my brother mentioned that you might benefit from some advice; one stupid youngster to the relative of another? _

 

_From: who the fuck even (8:02 AM)_

_Oh hi thanks. Ill admit that I dont really know what to ask you. And please dont feel obligated to share anything. Ive had time to think about everything a little bit more and Im a lot more settled than when your brother and I texted. If you wouldnt mind though my cousin might like to speak to you? Shes terrified and doesnt know how to tell her family._

 

_ To: adorable omg (8:04 AM)  _

_ It really is no trouble. Give me her number and I’ll help in whatever way I can. _

  __

* * *

_ To Brother-Mine (8:05 AM) _

_ Thorin, your mystery man is fucking polite AND adorable, I demand that you court him.  _

 

**From: Brother-Mine (8:12 AM)**

**I’m not courting anyone, let alone a stranger I only text. You are the one last night who pointed out that I know nothing about him, if they even are a ‘him’.**

 

_ To: Brother-Mine (8:12 AM) _

_ “I’m” _

__

_ To: Brother-Mine (8:12 AM) _

_ You said ‘I’m”. That’s a contraction.  _

__

_ To: Brother-Mine (8:12 AM) _

_ You took so long to respond because you were flustered, didn’t you?? Oh my, Brother-mine, you have a crush.  _

* * *

 

_ To: Dwalin NOFUNdinson (8:13 AM) _

_ THORIN HAS A CRUSH, I REPEAT OPERATION ‘GET HIM LAID FOR THE LOVE OF GOD’ IS A GO _

__

**_From: Dwalin NOFUNdinson (8:14 AM)_ **

**_im screaming internally_ **

 

_ To: Dwalin NOFUNdinson (8:15 AM) _

_ YOU’RE AROUND THE CORNER, I HEARD YOU CHOKE _

 

**_From: Dwalin NOFUNdinson (8:16 AM)_ **

**_im around th e corner i heard u squeal_ **

 

_ To: Dwalin NOFUNdinson (8:17 AM) _

_ Come here. We need a plan.  _

 

* * *

 

 

**From: Brother-Mine (8:27 AM)**

**No. I do not.**

 

* * *

 

**To: Bilbutt Faggins (12:39 PM)

you made me cry you jerk**

 

_From: Bilbutt Faggins (12:40 PM)_

_what why are you ok????_

 

**To: Bilbutt Faggins (12:41 PM)

you told mr.criminal about me and got in contact with his sister. shes brilliant bilbo, seriously thank you.**

 

_From: Bilbutt Faggins (12:41 PM)_

_does tht mean youll change my contact name_

 

**To: Bilbutt Faggins <3 (12:43 PM)

Its been 12 yrs hun im never gonna to change it. ill add a heart though <3**

 

_From: Bilbutt Faggins <3 (12:46 PM)_

_I love you, Primula. And I’m proud of you._

 

**To: Bilbutt Faggins <3 (12:46 PM)

if you make me cry again ill tell dis to tell mr.criminal about the garden hoe**

 

_From: Bilbutt Faggins <3 (12:46 PM)_

_i hate you and youre ugly_

 

**To: Bilbutt Faggins <3 (12:47 PM)

<3 <3 <3**

 

_From: Bilbutt Faggins <3 (12:54 PM)_

_wait ‘dis’??_

 

* * *

 

 

_To: Helpful Dork, Dis?? (12:57 PM)_

_Thank you both so much. Prim feels so much better knowing that she has someone to talk to who not only understands, but won’t judge her. If there’s ever anything that you need, please, feel free to ask me. I’ll help however I can._

 

* * *

 

 

_ From: Dis?? (1:37 PM) _

_ It’s no problem! Prim is a delight, and you seem to be as well. Thank you for your offer, I’ll definitely keep it in mind.  _

 

* * *

 

 

_ To: Brother-Mine (1:43 PM) _

_ Brother, you’ve been staring at your phone for almost 15 minutes. I only saw your crush’s message because you were so distracted I got out my phone to pass the time.  _

__

_ To: Brother-Mine (1:44 PM) _

_ Your face, oh my god. Just text him back.  _

 

**From: Brother-Mine (1:44 PM)**

**I absolutely refuse to have this conversation through texting like teenagers, when you are right in front of me.**

 

_ To: Brother-Mine (1:45 PM) _

_ So, there IS a conversation to be had? _

__

_ To: Brother-Mine (1:45 PM) _

_ Checkmate. _

 

* * *

 

 

**From: Helpful Dork (2:14 PM)**

**It was no hardship. Think nothing of it.**

 

_ From: Dis?? (2:15 PM) _

_ He means, “I have no idea how to respond to gratitude, but don’t worry about it, I was happy to help”.  _

 

* * *

 

 

_ From: Sister Dearest (2:16 PM) _

_ You are so rude, Thorin. "Think nothing of it"? That's way too dismissive.  _

 

**To: Sister Dearest (2:22 PM)**

**I do not have a crush on him. I do not even know his name. You are being immature and taking out your own boredom on me. Stop it, Dis. I know you want me to be happy, especially after Vili and Frerin, but I will not get together with a stranger simply because he is nice, funny, intelligent, and**

**DELETE MESSAGE?**

**{YES} {NO}**

**MESSAGE DELETED**

 

**To: Sister Dearest (2:24 PM)**

**He will get the idea.**

 

* * *

 

_To: Helpful Dork, Dis?? (3:58 PM)_

_Well, I'm glad to hear it._

 

* * *

 

 

**To: Dis (4:13 PM)

bilbo's school lets out at 3:30. he has to help with dismissal until around 3:50. sometimes he stays ats chool late to grade shit. he has his phone on him though. just in case you were interested.** 

 

_From: Dis (4:17 PM)_

_Thorin works until 5:30 or 6, but always has his phone on him. The boys get out of school at 3:45, so he makes sure to be extra aware of texts around that time (he's kind of paranoid, to be honest). i almost always eat lunch with him around 1 or 2 if you think he needs supervision._

 

**To: Dis (4:21 PM) 

bilbo's lunch is 12:30-1 and he has alternating lunch duty. this quarter its thursday and friday i think? is thorin really so awkward that you need to supervise him???**

 

_From: Dis (4:23 PM)_

_Thanks. I'll talk to Dwalin and see if we can't think of an excuse to eat a little earlier at least once a week. And I don't NEED to, but it would greatly speed up the flirting process._

 

**To: Dis (4:23 PM)

Understood.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow thorin I thought I had a strict 'no angst' policy 
> 
> Okay fam, let's talk side pairings. Yes, no, maybe so? Any favorites? I'm not promising anything, but I'm open to ideas. My only rule is no Fili/Kili unless they're unrelated.

**Author's Note:**

> This may or may not have a plot, tbh. I'm writing it mostly to procrastinate college applications. I'm American, and therefore so is the cast. I'm not even going to try with proper English lingo. If the chapters take forever to come out, it's because I can't format quickly.  
> Until next time!


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